With Friends Like This.....

Here it is, the standard answer to the title line: who needs enemies.

Nothing is funnier than 3 practical jokers getting drunk together, until one of them passes out, then it gets hilarious. Or, according to the 2 now facing jail time, it seemed funny at the time.

That is when Matthew Craig Pillers, 22, and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer, 19 decided to douse Elliot Tuleja’s groin with cologne after he passed out and proceeded to see if it would burn. It did and the result was second-and third-degree burns on his testicles and third-degree burns on his inner thighs.

But amazingly enough, I have a story that can top this, a self inflicted dousing with fire. This friend of mine on a business trip to Los Angeles discovered that his newly purchased bottle of Savage cologne had cracked in transit from San Francisco to L.A. So, not thinking clearly decided to pour the contents into the toilet in his hotel room. That's not bad, right?

Wrong! Immediately after discarding the flammable material, he decided to take a seat on said john and light up a Marlboro light, using a match. Well, instead of blowing the flame on the match out, he spread his thighs just enough to drop the sill flaming piece of cardboard into the space between his legs, thus exposing his manhood to peril.

Much to his surprise, there was a sudden flash followed by the smell of burning hair and flesh. It seems that pouring cologne into a pool of water in an enclosed bowl does not reduce the alcohol content to a non-flammable liquid. After a rather embarrassing trip to the closed emergency room where he had to explain his predicament (not a dick joke), he had not yet suffered enough indignity.

The next day at the meeting he had gone to L.A. to attend he was presented with a fire extinguisher for future emergencies such as this, along with a new bottle of cologne. Then, a few weeks later, courtesy of NK, he received an anonymous mailing that consisted of the picture of a bottle of Savage, a toilet, and a match with the universal symbol of no (a red circle with a slash through the circle).