Friday, November 30, 2007

FI Award

In honor of Evil Knievel who passed away today at the age of 69 I decided to create the Fucking Idiot (hence FI) Award in honor of the stupid stunts he attempted.

The first ever award goes to the unnamed trucker that entered Interstate 80 in Council Bluffs by making a left turn from the far right lane in front of through traffic around 2:30 PM this afternoon. While your action did not result in an accident, it was not because you didn't try.

And stopping to glare in mid-turn was priceless. No wonder truckers have a bad reputation.

So Mr. Trucker, here is your award:

I did have a close runner up and they as a group are the religiously incorrect Sudanese radicals that are demanding the execution of the Teddy Bear teacher.

Nominations are welcome at any time, just leave a comment with an explanation on why the recipient deserves the award.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Living in a Tastebud Wasteland

Earlier this morning I saw a commercial in which a question was asked...."what do you smell?" The response was "nothing". It was an anti-smoking ad and the catch is that the 2 from the ad were sitting in a restaurant.

They are in a restaurant and the dope can't smell a thing.

This made me think of our many attempts to find a meal with flavor around here. I happen to enjoy flavor. If I did not want it I would just eat oatmeal all the time or maybe Cream of Wheat.

Sometimes I am drawn to a particular spot by the odor wafting around outside but I have not had much luck lately once inside. What smells good on the outside does not mean that all is wonderful inside (I guess this could apply to people also).

I want something that dances on my tongue and lingers like the smell of bacon frying over an early morning campfire.

You what we get, chicken and noodles over mashed potatoes. If you want flavor...add salt.

One of my favorite foods is of the Chinese variety but the L0-mien....nothing. Even the addition of hot mustard doesn't help. Just adds heat with no flavor. Remember when you made glue in elementary school, it had more flavor.

NK ordered a Chicken Fried came with a weak paste like breakfast sausage gravy....again no flavor. It wouldn't even have made good biscuits and gravy.

So we live in a taste bud wasteland and mostly we just dream of places we have found that tantalize our tongues and cook at home.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Thanks But No Thanks

Imagine this. You are in a vehicle riding down an unknown road. Suddenly there is an explosion and your world goes black. When you wake up you have no idea what really happened or how long you have been out. You start to move your hands around because you feel strange, something is wrong and you aren't sure what so you check to see if anything might be missing.

Fortunately every thing appears to be present but there is still an ominous gloom, something is not right. Then you begin to look around and you notice that your vision is not the same. When you glance left everything seems to be fine but when you glance to the right you have to turn you head all about 90 degrees to see the door down the row.

Then you close your left eye with a wink and then it strikes you, everything is dark and you feel the tape on the right side of your face, there is a patch over your right eye. When you finally get someones attention you ask the question and the answer is what you feared, blind in one eye.

You enlisted for all the right reasons but after weeks of recuperation, you are notified that you have become superfluous, of no use to the country you chose to serve. They send you home with a pat on the back and oh, whats this, a letter, from the Department of Defense. Maybe they want you for some ceremony or maybe they changed their mind and have determined that you can be of some use after all.

When you start to read what they have to say your hands start to tremble, you can't believe what the letter contains so your start over over and re-read it again and again but it does not change. It seems that you did not complete your obligation to your country and they want you to pay them back $3,000.00 from the bonus you received when you enlisted.

Yes thanks for your service and sacrifice but please send us a check for the 3 months you did not serve.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Bye Bye Bill

It did not take long for the NU athletic department to post a change to it's web page this morning. After all, everyone around here has known for some time that the head coach would not be around after seasons end. Now the dark days are behind them and they can move forward to find a new lamb to ready for the sacrificial feast and they (by they I mean the big red faithful) really have no one to blame but themselves.

That is not to say that BC was the right coach for the big red N, he tried to implement a system that was completely foreign to the land of corn and it failed repeatedly. Some say it was to complex.....does that mean the players were too stupid to grasp it? Others were unhappy because it was not a ball busting, run down the middle, right up the ass of the opponent type of offense. And the defense, well suffice it to say that in many of the stores around here they sent back all of the blackshirt jerseys (they were black) and ordered pink ones.

At the end of September the coaching staff announced a simplified defensive game plan, an effort to get back to the basics. That didn't work, they got their red ass kicked all over the place as the other teams rolled up 226 points in the next 5 games, the worst a 76 - 39 pasting by KU.

So the bottom line is that there will be a new head coach in huskerland. And you, the local media and all of you big red fanatics helped pave the way by chumming the waters with all of your whining and rantings. It had to be almost impossible to maintain some semblance of order on the team with all of the inner turmoil being blended with the actions of an overactive, immature, noxious group of supporters. Grow up, this is not the first team to go through this, just look at Arkansas. Hell, maybe you all can get the Nutt man to go from hogs to corn, then you too could have a headline like Nutt chooses Dick over Johnson.

Friday, November 23, 2007

No More Complaints

For the past 20 or so days I have been grousing about having to put up with the red kettle people, the Christmas commercials, the Christmas music and everything else Christmas. Now that Thanksgiving has passed I have lost the right to bitch since that is my cutoff date for the beginning of the season.

This is the weekend I would put the lights up outside and would accept the fact that Christmas had thrown up inside our house. But alas, for another year it will not happen. There will be no lights adorning the Kaos home. None of the outside decorations, like our 6 foot plywood painted Santa hanging from the rain gutter will appear.

It's not that Scrooge is present, I relish the season. It's just that again this year we will leave our home and head west. I had hoped to have a home I could light up this year but it was not to be. Yesterday I toasted NK with a non-traditional Thanksgiving clink....."may this be our last Thanksging in this house". My Christmas wish for our family this year is that the housing market rebounds.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Lifes Lessons

1. Don't each spinich dip before a trip to the dentist.

2. No matter how hard you try, if you don't succeed the first time, give up, you never will.

3. When you least expect it, a fart will embarrass you.

4. You really can't roller skate in a Buffalo herd.

5. Old dogs are OK, children are questionable but watermelon wine sucks.

6. If you shuffle the letters in aunt you get tuna.

7. A man can either be right or married, never both.

8. A turkey dinner is not ready until the rolls are burned.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

First Snowfall

I should probably go out and take pictures of all of the traffic accidents that have happened because people refuse to drive sanely but I will just share a few scenic pictures instead.

If you are celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow, have a happy one and remember, "You can get anything you want at Alices Restaurant".

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


An anniversary can sometimes appear when you were not aware that it existed. We tend to celebrate all kinds of occasions since different things are important to different people. Some may remember the day they got their first pet or the day it died. Or maybe they remember joyous happenings only like a first job or a promotion you just never know.

I had an anniversary today and did not even remember it.....but my insurance agent did and he called to congratulate me. It seems it was four years ago today that I rolled our Ford Explorer, totaled the damned thing. I walked away with a little cut and a sore shoulder and damned lucky at that. I was on my way back from .... playing golf.

While it wasn't my fault, someone cut me off and when I swerved to avoid hitting them I lost control and rolled down an embankment, insurance companies don't seem to care these days. They had to buy me a new vehicle so they were going to punish me my raising my rate due to the accident, my first one since 1968 (again a no fault on my part accident). Hell, I have only had 2 moving violations (neither related to the aforementioned accidents) since I started driving. Even though a few companies are now promising accident forgiveness, I doubt they will stick to that very long. Once you file a claim you are dead meat whether it is a homeowners or auto policy.

Back to my anniversary, I knew it was around this time because I was home alone for Thanksgiving that year but it had really not crossed my mind so when he called and told me that this was the anniversary of the accident I was somewhat surprised. I will celebrate it though because I have now been forgiven, my agent, good guy that he is, will re-write my policy today to take advantage of a lower rate as a safe driver. Go figure, no accidents for 35 years, get in one pay out the ass. Then with no accidents for 4 years you are suddenly a safe driver again. I'm just happy they didn't make me wait 35 years.

Monday, November 19, 2007


Well, the actual term was candy ass. That’s what NK called me last night. It all started Sunday morning as we were going through the normal routine; drink coffee, read the paper and look at the ads. Since it is close to Christmas I tend to pay a little more attention to what she says while she goes through the ads (I must admit I don’t listen very well most of the time as she reads the ads out loud).
She mentioned something about a nice jewelry box and JCP’s and then another at Kohls so the light goes on and I shelve it in the recess of my left frontal lobe (hoping it will remain there and will not try to hide from me later when I need it as things like this seem to do). Page forward to yon golf course later in the day.

It was a rather chilly day on Sunday, a little drizzle, a little wind to start. Not to worry though, last year I bought a golf cart cover, it looks like this:

It helps keep the wind and rain out and makes it bearable unless it is COLD. Around here most people put their golf clubs away shortly after Labor Day, at least by the end of September. There are a few of us that refuse to quit no matter what. I have a limit of 40 degrees. If the temperature is 40 or above you may find me on the golf course. That does not mean it is not cold, there is the thing called the wind chill factor that can make your hands and feet so cold that you wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Page back to yon golf course and discussion about cold. Another hearty soul that also purchased a cover last year bought a heater to go along with it. They look like this:

This was brought to my attention today while braving the coolness so I thought now that would make a nice present. Since I was given the J-box hint earlier in the day I thought I would mention that a heater would make a nice gift and guess what I got………I got called a candyass, a woosie, a non-hacker.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Travelin Man

Between 1987 and 1996 I was a travelin man. I had a territory that at times extended from Tucson, Arizona east to New Orleans, La. then north to Chicago, Il, then back west to Kansas City, Ks. I was not home (northern California) most of the time.

I was on a first name basis with Airline Agents, Pilots and Flight Attendants. Hotel General Managers treated me like a VIP.....I stayed in suites not rooms.....I received complimentary bottles of wine and champagne, flowers and candy every time I checked in and I met some very interesting individuals like people that went to school with my older sister, FBI Agents, Drug Dealers from Mexico (the FBI guys were supposed to be watching them), a news network reporter and a presidential candidate (Clinton, Bill not Hillary). Notice I put the newsies and president in lower case and I met them both on the same night. The newsie was nicer and because of the secret service more approachable of course.

I would like to get back to the FBI if I may. There were three of them, all from a Texas border town. There was a pretty big drug lord trial going on in Houston and the FBI guys were there as security for some witnesses that were going to testify against the the accused. Because the Concierge level was the only secure floor, they had the FBI and the informants staying on that floor. For those that don't travel much and have never stayed in a hotel on the exclusive floors, they used to offer free beverages of the alcoholic nature. So, along with the FBI, myself and a few others I was told that we set a new record for the number of bottles of wine consumed in one evening. I can't remember the exact number but is was somewhere over 29 bottles. A short time later, wine was no longer complimentary.

While the wine was complimentary, they had a separate area for an honor bar where they kept the hard liquor. It was up to each individual to sign a card when they made a drink with the hard stuff. Well, it seems the Mexican informants, being involved in the illegal drug industry, did not have any honor and a number of bottles of whiskey and tequila went missing. Evidently the FBI was too busy drinking wine to keep an eye on their charges.

This is but one story of my traveling days and there is even more to this than I am willing to share at this time (it does involve the FBI).

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Why - A DK Original

We have listened
but we have not heard
we have looked
but we have not seen
for you have not said
what we must hear
and you have not done
what we need to see

You may have listened
but you do not hear
the screams in the night
or the anguish of those
that have lost
you say you have looked
but you cannot see
the emptiness in the hearts
or the vacant stare
of those that do not understand
why death has visited their home

We have asked
what we can do
you have taken
our husbands and wives
sons and daughters
mothers and fathers

what more do you want?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Support our International Workers

Today I was fortunate enough to have the pleasure of contributing to the exploitation of workers on an international level by purchasing some articles of clothing. I did not go shopping, men don't shop. I knew what I wanted to get and got what I wanted so I am not a shopping exploiter of the human race, just an American consumer that can't find anything made in America.

The items I purchased: 3 mock turtlenecks from Jordan, a pair of jeans from Costa Rica and 2 fleece pullovers from Vietnam (this one is my favorite because now I can exploit the family members of some of those that may have taken a few shots at me a few years back. Maybe even the shooter since many of them are probably still forced to work just to get by).

Since there were 3 continents involved at least no one can say I am not an equal opportunity exploiter. I would just like a chance to exploit an American once in awhile, I would be willing to pay for the privilege.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Top 10 Dumbest Things I've Done

Every one at one time or another has done something stupid. Some people commit a crime and get caught because they did a stupid thing. One, a man on trial for flashing did not help himself when he stripped down in the courtroom. Another walked into court with a small amount of cocaine, knowing he would be incarcerated on a bail violation. While I have not done anything that would get me included in a crooks are stupid list, I have done some pretty dumb things. Here are my top 10 stupid things (up to this point):

1. With a radio antenna sticking about 30 feet up, I stood up during a firefight in an attempt to draw fire so we could tell where the enemy was located.

2. Skateboading down Black Mountain in Morro Bay on a day four of us ditched school to go surfing and boarding. Naturally I lost control on my way down but luckily only suffered minor road burns.

3. Stepping off the running board on a moving car. Obviously I did not learn enough about road burns the first time.

4. After consuming a fair amount of vodka, I walked in between two police officers. When they asked me what I had been drinking I said nothing. After they said they could smell it I proudly told them that was impossible because you can't smell vodka (well maybe this one is close to placing me in the dumb crook category)!

5. While attempting to test drive a motorcycle I had just purchased I lost control and sliced my right arm open on a car's rear view mirror.

6. Going to work to complete some paperwork (someone else could have done this) while I was suffering from severe chest pain that I had convinced myself was due to a heart problem. I wound up in the hospital for 3 days and NK got a free trip (first class both ways) to Kansas City.

7. Letting price be a determining factor (hey he was $20.00 cheaper) when deciding on a doctor to do my vasectomy (oh the pain). I ruled out the recommended doctor because of his name....Duklutz.

8. Dropping a lit cigarette into my belly button (I was shirtless) from my lip while admiring a nice looking young woman.

9. Stealing a slingshot from a local toy store and then shooting my brother with it while he was sleeping. He made so much noise that my parents came in and made me take it back to the store and confess to my crime.

10. Smoking my first cigarette.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Helio Madness

In another attempt to bilk the American taxpayer out of millions of $$, the U.S. Army plans up spend at least $10 million to retrofit as yet undelivered Lakota helicopters (322 of them) with air conditioning units because they tended to overheat during testing.

During a test period of 23 hours in 80-degree temperatures, the cockpit temperature of the helicopters soared above 104 degrees. According to the test report, "at those temperatures the communication, navigation and flight control system can overheat and shut down." Evidently, in typical Army thinking you can own a BMW and buy a Volkswagen and can expect them both to operate exactly the same under similar conditions. According to an Army spokesman, We don't need air conditioning in the Blackhawks, so we didn't think it would be an issue in the Lakota, "But when we got the helicopter into the desert, we realized it was a problem."

So, you would think that maybe we should back off of our purchase of the 322 helicopters from a European corporation (is anything made in America anymore) but you would be incorrect. In addition to the $2.6 Billion, it appears that the Army will go ahead and add the air conditioners and you and I will pay the additional cost. The designer and the manufacturer cannot be held responsible you see since the original specification did not include any request for cooling. I guess the project manager will have to submit a change request since the Army and the designer and manufacturer did not think that there might possibly be a heat problem due to inadequate ventilation and internal electronics. Add the heat of the sun and voila, heli heat stroke.

It gets even better. The intent is to have the new choppers replace an aging, Vietnam era fleet and to release Blackhawks currently used in country for duty in Iraq. Of course this means that the Army obviously expects that our presence in Iraq will continue ad infinitum. According to the AP "the Lakota has another problem: Testers said it fails to meet the Army's requirement that it be able to simultaneously evacuate two critically injured patients. The Lakota can hold two patients, but the cabin is too cramped for medics to actually work on more than one of them at a time, the testers said."

So let’s summarize our good fortune: We get a helicopter that can only fly for around 2.8 hours during which it will overheat rendering it useless and it will not do the job it is intended to do. Sounds like a good buy to me.

All we need to do is get China involved so they can add a little lead to the paint.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Fashion Rebels

I was a fashion rebel when I was a teenager. I constantly violated the dress code in high school. My problem....I would walk around with my shirt tail hanging out. It was usually a madras shirt but sometimes I would wear a shirt without a collar and not tuck it in either.
On one particular rebellious occasion I put on a pair of Levi's that had a hole in them, right at the knee. It was so bad that my grandfather (maternal) chastised my parents for not buying me a decent pair of pants. I had shamed them without even trying.

I bring this up because yesterday while headed out to the store NK and I saw a one of our fair cities finest, most fashionably dressed young men. You see, we live near a high school so we get to view all of the latest fashion trends. He looked something like this:

Now that I think about it, this guy is not real cool, he does not have any studs on his belt and his belt loops should be about where the bottom of his pockets are. That is what we saw yesterday and I really wanted to stop and pull the young lads pants up to....oh say....his arm pits. He would look real good like this:

Then there are the guys (and even some gals) that like to slide their baseball cap a little to the side.

Not only are they providing us with a glimpse of their mentality (trying to make a point with most of them is like dropping your bucket into a dry well), they look like they are trying to keep one ear from getting any sun. These fine folks make me want to slap them one the side of their noggin in an attempt to straighten their cap.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Costumes to Avoid

Halloween is a great time to let your alter ego loose but some people take dress up a little to far. Here are three pictures of people that should rethink their costume selection

and here are three that show some ingenuity.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Strikes and Things

Oh no, the writers are on strike! What will this country do with no one to write crappy lines for crappy shows. People will not be able to stare at the screen day after day, night after night, wondering if Phoebe will come out of the coma or if Jack and Fred will be able to cross the river to full of man eating fish to get to the Range Rover on the other side. You know, the vehicle that will take them to the border of Brazil so they can navigate the Amazon to the sea where they will hook up with the schooner that will take them across the Atlantic and get them one day closer to winning insignificant chase. Lewis Black called the TV a "Truth Machine" during one of his tirades about the news, if only those writers would go on strike, maybe we would get some kind of truth somewhere.

Speaking of Mr. Black, he would like to know when exactly the American economy got tied to Santa's Ass? If we don't by enough shit, starting at the beginning of the Christmas season (in July), on black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) when we are all expected to go out at buy lots of shit, the talking heads will tell us that the economy is in the toilet and will never recover. He does a whole bit on Santa including a lengthy discussion on why we should elect Santa as the next President next November. Catch his Red White and Screwed tour if you can.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Music Music Music

Does anyone in this world appreciate silence? If so, why does every store in this godforsaken country play non-stop music? And not just the stores, you can't go into a restaurant without some form of music as background noise. What's worse, most of the time it is nothing to get your toe to tapping or your head bobbing along with the beat. One restaurant we visited on our return from Chicago had nothing but C&W and it was not good C&W (neither was the food by the way but I'll talk more about traveling and food another time).

If it is supposed to be a mood changing effort it sure works sometimes but for me it goes from good to bad and it does not relax me or make me want to buy things. I certainly don't digest my food more efficiently when crappy music is audible. But the worst is yet to come since it is now November. Christmas music has already hit the airwaves. I started to see decorations before Halloween and that is irritating enough, now the noise is playing, horrible renditions of crappy music. Frankly I'm surprised they waited until November. No wonder so many people do their shopping online, at least they don't have to deal with the hillbilly version of Silent Night.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Unsolicited Love Letters

Hey, I'm back. I was going to comment on our trip to Chicago (and I will later) but a couple of things that came up this week prompts me to talk a little about death. That is because once you retire, you begin to get things in the mail and phone calls trying to help you ease into a smooth transition from the living to the dead.

Earlier this week I got a call from Chase trying to sell me a plan to protect us from unemployment. Before I could get a word in, the person on the other end wanted to make sure that my payments could be deferred if I became unemployed. Once it was my turn to talk, I explained that I was retired. Then the tone and tactic switched. I had to protect my loved ones from death. The minute they discovered I was retired, my death seemed imminent and I just had to have the coverage to make sure I did not leave a loved one with debt. I assured them I was in fine physical condition and had no intention of dying in the immediate future so I was not interested.

Next came the "Love Letter" from a local funeral home. Now I know they have good intentions and eventually I will "prearrange" everything but just because a person retires does not mean that it is critical that you plan your final rest. Many retire early as I did and we are not sitting around waiting for a final resting place believe me. So, be prepared as you advance in age, you will not only be deluged with crap from the death merchants, the AARP will provide you with enough paper to cover a rather large home.