Liars Never Win (or do they?)

This person lied to 23 people (a Grand Jury).

So Marion Jones will spend 6 months in prison, submit to 2 years of supervised probation and perform another 800 hours of community service (she has already completed 200 hours).

Now I do know that she did more than just lie to the Grand Jury. She was also a participant in a check fraud scheme and this is most likely why she will be incarcerated. But the first thing the media mentions is the lie. Lots of people lie.

This one lied to 6,602,224,175 (the world's population).

Of course this was not his first lie. Another whopper he told us all (remember WMD's) got us into Iraq shortly before this picture was taken. That lie has cost the lives of over 150,000 Iraqis (latest estimate) possibly over 600,000 (earlier estimates) and there have been 3,214 American combat related deaths since 3/19/03 with 3921 total casualties. This does not include the 28, 822 with physical wounds. Mental anguish, who cares, it's just a part of war right?

So, for his crimes against humanity what is his sentence? He got re-elected and will have a nice comfy pension with SS protection (that's Secret Service not the infamous Schutzstaffel - although there is another group that may be similar to the latter).

Doesn't quite seem fair does it?

Did You Hear What I Said

How in the hell can we be married for 38 years and not use the same vocabulary?

That was a question thrown at me by NK this morning.

She was sorting laundry.

She asked me to get her something. It was a laundry hamper, my hamper.

I heard would you get me a laundry basket.

I said no!

You know those MasterCard commercials......well the look on her face was "priceless".

She just stared at me (but it wasn't the "look").

Then we both realized that she said hamper and I heard basket. She said she was about to knock my block off. I went to get the hamper.

You must understand I was not refusing to get her what she wanted, I knew that if I was to bring her the basket it would not do her any good because yesterday we filled it full of junk to get ready for some electrical work that will be done tomorrow.

Don't Come Looking For Me

I'll be honest.

Lately I have struggled (other than cell phones and toilets) with subject matter. You see, my kids are all grown so I cannot talk about the cute (thanks KiKi, that was great and little K has done the same type of thing) things they do ( although I probably could write for quite some time about the things they used to do but they could return the favor so I won't).

I don't work anymore (retired) so I don't have any interesting lazy ass work stories either and local politics are boring (even the local paper ignores that subject).


So, what do I do? Well, I pay attention to my surroundings and I think about things. What things you ask?


Things like why Kerry endorsed Obama and not Edwards and will that help Obama more than it hurts Edwards (you see Kerry was the loser in 2004, so does one loser help another to lose?) or just the opposite.

I think about past elections and Presidents and where they came from (possibly more on this later if I think I can find some humor and make it more interesting that in sounds).

Since JFK, every Presidential candidate from Massachusetts has failed. RFK (OK, technically he was from NY but his family was from Mass.) was killed, Dukakis, trounced and Kerry, well you know the story. So, Mass. presents losers on the Democratic side. So what good will a losers endorsement do now? I guess we will have to wait and see.

What about those from Illinois? Well the only one elected from Illinois was assassinated. No, not Reagan, even though he was born in Illinois (and someone took a shot at him), he was elected from Santa Barbara, southern California (the Republican part of the state). I'm talking about Lincoln, Abe, Kentucky born but from Illinois.

Now we have a popular candidate from Illinois, also not born there (he was born in Hawaii). What will his fate be?

Note to any Federal Agents reading this blog, this is just a question so there is no need to question my family and neighbors (though if you want to, let me know so I can put my house up for sale and take advantage of the celebrity that will come from the exposure. You see, we would like to move to Oregon and we could not sell our home last year).

I wish no harm, I pose no threat, I only wonder if some whacko will take their opposition to an unacceptable extreme. Let's hope not.



I also wonder why the press calls McCain a war hero when all he did was get shot down and become a captive of a poor country that kicked our ass. A war hero does something above and beyond (and generally is an act of insanity). While I respect his sacrifice, he is not a hero.

Lastly, I wonder why we say someone "allegedly" escaped from jail? Were they once in jail? Yes? Were they released from jail? No? Were they still in jail? No? Did someone with a shotgun walk into the jail and tell Barney Fife to open the cell? Yes? Where was the person when he was next seen, in jail? No.

Then cut the crap, the asshole escaped, he did not allegedly escape since he was no longer in custody so quit with the civil rights shit, criminals have no rights.

Listen Up

Shh!






Did you hear that?






Maybe you are to far from here but I definitely heard it. So did NK and our eyes got wide when we did.








I'm sure you know the sound though maybe not under these exact circumstances.










The sound is "CLUNK" and I looked like this right after I heard it (if you don't have a strong stomach you may want to turn your head or close your eyes and scroll quickly because it is not pretty. It was before my shower today, didn't even have any coffee).

That's a snake in my right hand, being inserted through the bottom of the bowl (toilet, that is).














Other tools were used, only the snake was successful and the result, was shall we say, a little poopy:










































Yep, that is a cell phone, passed away on 12/14/07 - may God have mercy on its electronics.

START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Create a new file folder on your computer


2.. Name it "George W. Bush"


3. Drag it to the recycle bin.


4. Empty the recycle bin.


5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of ‘George W. Bush?"


6. Firmly Click "Yes."


7. Feel better instantly.


Next week we'll do Dick Cheney.

Homeward Bound

Sadly (and may I say somewhat thankfully since we will be glad to be back in our own bed) we must leave the land of Kaos West today and will head back to suffer the remnants of the caucus's (or is that cauci?).

As a last hurrah there was a kaotic Wii golf event last evening pitting Jesus, Buddha and, and,






LUCIFER.

All shot Par on the first hole, with Buddha dropping a stroke on number two. While Buddha continued to drop strokes through the 9 hole event, Jesus and Lucifer were even through the fourth hole. This is when Lucifer decided to get smart with Jesus and God smote her (yes me hearty's Lucifer is a female). After a double bogey on five and an apology to God, the big L was able to make a birdie putt and take the lead on number six and remained in the lead until the ninth and final hole.

Pause to explain this hole.

Number nine is an extraordinary hole, unlike any par five I've ever seen. From the tee box to one of the landing area's you must hit a solid drive over water to an island fairway. If you are brave (or stupid and I vote for the latter), you can go for the green (another island) in two. I would only attempt this with a gale force wind at my back.

So, you lay up on the second shot to one of two other island greens and go for it on your third shot. This is where L went astray. You see normally Lucifer takes a very aggressive swing but for some reason her (remember the devil is a woman) third shot (with an iron) came up short and went into the ocean (oh, too bad). While the fifth shot safely landed on the island green it needed to go in the hole to have a chance to win the match.

It did not, L two putted for a double bogey, Jesus just missed his birdie put, came in with a par and beat the devil (that evil woman) by 1 stroke. Buddha was 5 strokes back.

So until summer, the big L can practice to see if evil can overcome goodness. Until then, so long Wii.

"We Fucked Up The End Game"

When it was over, everyone in the theater just sat there, did not twitch or move a muscle. I can only assume that like me, they were absorbing the message or maybe some were just too stunned to leave.

I can only say that I was frozen, even though I knew all about it and have often thought how it might have been, I could not move. All I did was stare at the names rolling down the blackened screen. I may have been sitting with my jaw dropped but I'm not sure.

Now I have never done this before, review a movie that is, and I may never do it again. I'm probably not very good at it, don't really even know how to go about it. But damn, what a fine movie Charlie Wilson's War is.

We get to know a little about the type of person Charlie (Tom Hanks) is as he soaks au naturel in a hot tub with a schemer and 3 rather fine looking young ladies (all nekked). The schemer is trying to sell him on some kind of TV show with one of the young ladies as the star. He wants $29,000 from Charlie.

Charlie is a hard drinking, skirt chasing (and catching) Congressman from Lufkin, Texas and he does not come across as one that would be challenged to make a difference in the world. According to Gust Avrakotos (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) Charlie's most impressive accomplishment had been to get re-elected five times.

Then antagonist Joanne Herring (Julia Roberts) convinces him that he should visit with the President of Pakistan (ironically introduced as "not having killed Bhutto") in an effort on her part to increase the funds Congress has provided to support the Afghan insurgency against the mighty, atheist Soviet Union.

And so it begins. This is a genuine, funny and heartbreaking look at how one man convinced Congress and an odd pairing of Israelis and Muslims to covertly fund the demise of the Soviet Union in Afghanistan (and subsequently in the world). It is also an insightful look at how this country does business. If only we had not fucked up the end game!

While Hanks does his usual fine job, Hoffman is outstanding and should win the best supporting Oscar. If you have not seen this movie you are missing one of the best.

Change is in Order

So, it's a new year, 2008 so I'm told. It's the time that people with good intentions (some not so good) say that something will change in their life. I don't do that anymore but I have a few suggestions that others may want to consider.

There is a guy that lives down the street from my daughter, his job involves some type of holistic medicine.

No, I don't know what that really means.

It must be some kind of voodoo.

Anyway, this guy works about one block from his house. Get this, he drives to work, drives home for lunch and drives back to work. I have seen him do it, numerous times.

So, my suggestion to him, get off your fat ass and walk to work.

This is for no one in particular, I just happened to overhear a conversation on the street (while I was walking).

Scene 1.
Lady coming out of un-named but plentiful all over the place coffee shop bends over to pet the butt ugliest pair of dogs. Both dogs are wearing coats, one pink, one black.

Lady: Oh how cute (gag). Are they lovers?

Stop: what in the hell is wrong with her, they are dogs for christs sake, if the one wearing pink goes into heat, the one wearing black will become her lover (that is unless one or the other or both have been spayed and/or neutered in which case the one in black will try anyway).

Dog owner: No, (see Stop, above substitute him for her), they are brother and sister.

At this time (I'm still walking, away from them thank God), I stop listening but here is my suggestion for the dog owner. Get rid of the damned coats, (that is unless you are using them to pick up women and if you are you should continue on with the "lovers" discussion. Don't you know a good lead in when you hear it).

But you know, now that I think about it, I could have had it all wrong. What if the one in pink was the male?

Nothing Doing

If you read CK's post already I must say that she is correct. While I used to celebrate on NYE, as a family it was never a big deal for us. One real important reason was that there was enough craziness going on without us adding to it or risking a night spent someplace no one in their right mind wants to be.

That's right, lying in a pool of puke somewhere very near a white porcelain receptacle meant for normal body waste is not my idea of a good time (you thought I was going to say jail didn't you?).

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I haven't been there.

Oh, have I been there!

(No not jail).

It's just that I finally figured out that there are better ways to spend 1/1 than on the floor wishing that the room or my body (whatever) would just stop doing whatever it is that is making me wish I had not had that last tequila shooter or raw egg and beer, whatever it was that made me feel like someone had taken my stomach, turned it inside out and then tied it up in knots so tight that it hurt just to breathe (I won't even mention my head).

So, if you are still into a party on this eve of 2008, remember one word, moderation. If more of us had remembered it 8 years ago maybe we would not have been drunk or stupid enough to let G.W. (no not George Washington) steal the presidency.

Happy New Year to All.

Bits and Pieces

Overheard in a local coffee shop - Technology takes a big leap - backwards:

First senior citizen - just take this thing here, the stem and turn it clockwise.

Second SC - this thing, like this?

First SC - yes, just like that and the good thing is you will never have to buy a battery for it!

On the writers strike:

Letterman will be back - reached his own deal but the question of the week involves part of the reason the writers are on strike in the first place. It seems that the Writers Guild wants to unionize the writers working on reality shows. Writers, reality, whats up with that? Does anyone think any of that crap is real?

Perhaps I should have found a good writer sometime back, could have written a scenario where our house sold for more than the asking price on the first day.

At the request of Bubblewench - here you are, one cat balancing something.

A Day In the Life - 2007

Now that most of the year has passed (like gas from a bad bowl of beans) as I look back, I can't say it was much of a year. At times, we seem to be headed down the drain, circling clockwise in the bowl (you down under are of course going counter clockwise) as if the last remnants of discernible civilization is on the wane. Then out of nowhere, just when there seems to be a ray of hope, what happens? An ass kicking snowstorm of dog fighting and mall shootings (yes, I am a hopeless cynic).

My recap of 2007:

We were promised a new direction in Iraq, all we have done is throw in a few more targets, increase the size of our debt and circle the block until we become so dizzy we forget that things were supposed to change.

We learned that it is "very likely" that mankind is responsible for global warming. Duh! I emphasize very likely because only a 6 long years ago we were only at the likely stage. Maybe by 2013 we will, like Jimmy Buffet, admit that it's are own damned fault (but of course by then it may be too late).

We also learned that our beloved astronauts wear diapers on lift-off and re-entry (I bet they fill them up on lift-off) courtesy of one Lisa Nowak and her 900 mile diaper so I don't have to stop and pee drive between Houston and Orlando (at first I thought she was just in a hurry to get to Disney World but all she wanted to do was kidnap someone). From this we also figured out that astronauts can be just as deranged as the rest of the population (as we continue to waste millions of dollars on shuttles that won't fly)

Our government is a slum lord. Wounded soldiers at Walter Reed Medical Center are forced to live in conditions equal to or worse than some rat infested big city slums. Why should this surprise us, local and state governments have managed public housing slums for as long as I can remember.

"W" in typical fashion again shows the world that the United States has a buffoon as it's head of state when he intimates that Queen Elizabeth is over 230 years old. It seems that he thought she was present at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig does the hokie pokie with the bathroom fuzz in Minneapolis and first he said he's guilty and then he says he's not.

In the shitty travel category, a passenger on a Continental flight from Amsterdam to Newark said he was forced to sit next to human excrement for seven hours after the toilets overflowed. Sometimes it seems that way even when the toilets are fine.

O.J. strikes again, this time without the gloves. Seems that he wanted some things that he claims belonged to him so he engaged a few thugs to help him. He has since pleaded not guilty on charges of kidnapping and armed robbery in the case.

As Southern California burns, the Govenator claims all is well citing the fact that all of those sheltered at Qualcomm stadium have all they need, especially their yoga classes. Meanwhile, New Orleans continues to struggle, maybe FEMA can start some yoga classes there.

Nice work if you can find it. An Iowa woman that wrote "I am only here for the money and, lately, for the printer access. I haven't really accomplished anything in a long while ... and I am still getting paid more than I ever have at a job before, with less to do than I have ever had before. It's actually quite nice when I think of it that way. I can shop online, play games and read message boards and still get paid for it" was fired from her job for misuse of company time. She had documented over 300 printed pages of her efforts to avoid work. She was subsequently denied unemployment benefits by an administrative judge.

Darth Cheney - VP Cheney has embraced his new nickname (provided by "W") stating "I've been asked if that nickname bothers me, and the answer is, no. After all, Darth Vader is one of the nicer things I've been called recently."

A Christmas Letter - Day 12

December 25, 2007


Dear Sir:


This is to confirm the arrival of your latest, and hopefully last, gift. Unfortunately, the police were unable to get to Ms. Chrisp before she managed to set off the claymore mine and empty the banana clip of her assault rifle.


I am therefore sorry to inform you that the twelve fiddlers are no longer with us and based on that you are now considered to be an accessory to 12 counts of murder since despite her numerous requests you would not stop harassing her.


Enclosed are two documents, the first being a copy of the warrant for your arrest and the second a restraining order instructing you to keep from within 200 yards of the Napa Unit for the criminally insane, where Ms. Chrisp temporarily resides. The guards at that facility have orders to shoot you on site if you are seen in the vicinity.


I would also like to relate the last sane words of our client as heard by the SWAT team responding to the devastation: "I'll cut his nuts off and force feed them to the cows if I ever see that miserable, low life scum sucking douchbag asshole again" which she repeated over and over until she lost consciousness.


MERRY CHRISTMAS,




Albert Halfwit,

Senior Partner

Halfwit, Dimwit & Bawlsac

Attorneys at Law



Encl.

No Comment

"W"'s response when asked about the controversy surrounding the new hit song "Santa Punish Me Polka"

A Christmas Letter - Day 11

Now I've had it you rotten shit for brains prick. There are eleven guys here now all claiming to be related to someone named Kris Lord (evidently some kind of kinky porn star with an exceptionly large phallus) and have made use of every hole they could find. I will be amazed if many of the bitches will every walk again.

They weren't satisfied with the broads so they went after the pipers. That's when the trouble started; the pipers grabed the golden rings, sprayed them with WD-40 and attempted to slip them onto five of the biggest dicks I have ever seen (I must admit I got a little wet). You should have seen the bastards leap, three of the cows were killed in the melee.

Youv'e ruined my life and I am now under a physicians care so I hope you are satisfied you miserable pig.

You know who.

A Christmas Letter - Day 10

You miserable son of a bitch:

Now there are ten ladies (the whores are pole dancing) here and I assume that you gave them my address. Someone told them that the Piper brothers were here so they showed up for a little action. The fucking maids are are furious and have started throwing cow shit at all of them. My whole house is a river of shit.

The partridge, the turtle doves and the calling birds are all dead, crushed in the stampede and I had to bake the hens and roast the geese just to feed all of the miscreant bitches and bastards you sent.

Now the police have my house under 24 hour surveillance and yesterday when the one Piper brother went after the cow, it turns out that he wasn't really a butcher, the cops took him away after he mounted the thing from behind.

You should know this, I gave the police your address and told them that you are responsible for all of this. If you show your face around here now I will have you arrested on sight you cocksucker.

HC

Champagne Makes People Do Funny Things

There was a tasting in the land of Kaos and someone apparently had a good time after everyone was gone.

Others just enjoyed the evening:

A Christmas Letter - Day 9

Hey Shit-for-brains:

Don't you get it? Are you some kind of sadist, enjoying the misery you know you have put me through? About 10 minutes ago nine guys showed up; said they were the Piper brothers and they all have some kind of flute. Someone told them there were eight maids and a willing young thing at this address. Said the guy that tipped them off was named Nick.

Oh shit, one just said something about a skin flute and the other eight just dropped their drawers. Now all of the maids are all on their knees (I guess that means those two are bi-sexual). I had to lock myself in the basement to get away from the ninth brother. The only reason I was able to make it was because with his knickers around his ankles he tripped and fell.

Now, with all of the racket, the cows have stampeded and have crushed quite a few of the birds. I think one of the brothers is a butcher on the side. I heard him say something about fresh meat and he headed off after one of the cows.

If I don't get evicted I'll never know why.

I'll get you for this.

Ms. Holly Chrisp

Seriously Folks

I normally would not get serious on the Saturday before Christmas but I read something

yesterday that everyone should take a moment to read. I know, it's a boring subject and absolutely no one wants to think about it but it's real and it's going to have a serious impact on future generations (it's already impacting ours). It's global warming and I have attached a link to Al Gore's Nobel prize acceptance speech. It won't take long to read so take a moment, read it and if you intend to vote, pick a candidate that will help with a solution.

A Christmas Letter - Day 8

OK, Bozo:

Just what it the hell am I going to do now. The eight maids you somehow conned into taking up residence in my house brought eight cows with them. Now in addition to all of the stinking bird shit inside the house there is manure all over the place outside. And what am I going to do with all of the milk?

Oh by the way, did you know that two of the damned maids are lesbians? They both hit on me and made a scene in the front yard. Of course the damned neighbors called the cops and I now have to go down and explain why I had two naked women entwined like pretzels outside my house.

I think I prefer the birds.

So quit with the fucking gifts already!

H

Friday Fare

Since it's Friday let's get it over with right off the bat. This weeks FI award winner is, with a shutout, the little Rogue Elf. At last report, Ottawa police are still looking for the culprit. And on the sports side the award goes to Roy "Horsecollar" Williams.


Here ya are folks.


Congratulations.






















Oh, and a good time was had by all late into the night on Thursday. Here are a few pics taken in preparation for the upcoming podcast. Check it out, it's here.


A Sparrow was there:
















And a Parrot too!


















A few beverages were consumed (no it is not blue bawls).































And everyone was taking pictures.

A Christmas Letter - Day 7

Jesus Christ, what is up with the fucking bird thing? Now I have seven damned swans and no matter what I try, the won't leave the bathroom. They just stare at the tub, jumping in and out.

At one time it had water in it and all they did was fight for space while attempting to swim around. You know how small my tub is, there is only room for 2 or 3 max. All they did was splash water everywhere and now in addition to the chickenshit (which is what I think you are since you still have not come over), the goose shit and all the other birds, there is water all over the floor also and I can't keep from slipping every time I take a step.

It is not funny at all. I haven't slept in 3 days so stop with the fucking birds already.

H.

Judgement Day

If you read CK's post this morning then you already know that yesterday was judgement day. What fun was had in the land of Kaos. Little k giggled for she got to participate in the "Nice" judgement, and her favorite turned out to be the winner.

There were neat little forms to fill out and pages just full of lyrics to pour over and sing. And the music, it played over and over and over until it began to drive us to the brink of insanity (true, we don't have that far to go to get there).

Notes were taken as the judges attempted to make sense of it all. In the end, points were placed next to each title then tallied. There was very little suspense, we all seemed to be headed down the same naughty path. So tune it to CK tomorrow for the naughtiest little ditty.

FI Nominees

1. The Rogue Elf - for his obscenity based letters from Santa.

2. Sandrama Lamy - charged with sexual assault and breach of peace after she "groped" a shopping mall Santa.

3. The unidentified shopping mall Santa that charged Ms. Lamy with sexual assault. He could have just asked her for her phone number.

Sports Nominees

1. Roy Williams - just can't seem to stop the horse collar assault tactics.

2. Rory Sabbatini - could not handle a little adversity and became a quitter.

3. Bobby Petrini - pulled a disappearing act on the Atlanta Falcons.

A Christmas Letter - Day 6

Dammit Nick:

Why in the hell did you send more birds. The six geese are layin HUGE eggs everywhere. What in the hell am I going to do with them? And the geese, do you know how much noise they make....honk, honk honk. The fricking neighbors have already started calling me the bird lady and with the geese, now they are complaining about the noise and the goose shit. You can't take five steps without getting it all over your shoes.

If you don't come and get them soon, I may have to take drastic measures.

Holly

Just for M

A Christmas Letter - Day 5

Darling Nicholas:

Oh my, I don't know what to say, today I received the five golden rings and they are wonderful. You are to kind to me. What a relief, when I saw the postman I was afraid that he was bringing more damned birds. Frankly the squawking is really starting to get to me.

All my love,

Holly

Postscripts

Falcons Fined

A big huzzah to the NFL. It seems they also took offense to the tribute some Atlanta Falcon players paid to former team member Michael Vick and levied fines of up to $10,000.00 each.

Woman spared.

Saudi King Abdullah has pardoned the woman the woman from Qatif that was brutally raped by 7 men after an international outcry and a critical report in this blog. It is not known if her ex boyfriend was also pardoned or if her lawyer will regain his license to practice.

FI Nominations

The trying to spoil Christmas nomination goes to the person in Canada known as the Rogue Elf referenced yesterday by mielikki. Obscene Christmas letters to kids, come on, next thing you know we will find out it was actually Mr. Fabulous and not someone from our northern neighbor after all.

In sports, the crybaby nomination goes to Rory Sabbatini after he withdrew from the Target Challenge on Sunday, citing personal reasons or cramps or whatever.

No Snow, Just Rain

After tromping through the snow in my travel sandals (I no longer wear shoes to the airport, easy on easy off is my motto) at 0500 yesterday I made my way back to the terminal after parking the car. Another motto I now have is that I always use the Quick Park, unload, check bags, get boarding pass and then park the car. Of course all of this is because of the color Orange.

Anyone at any airport knows that the current threat level is Orange. Someone with a pleasant voice that makes me think of a certain California Governor in the airport scene in The Running Man tells us over and over and over about ratting on anyone suspicious like they want us all to feel warm and comfortable, assured that the faithful TSA employees are there for our protection.

I've been throught quite a few airports the past 6 years and many of the "Security" people I've seen couldn't keep a grain of sand dry in the middle of the Gobi desert (you see it does not rain much there and, well you get the picture).

What I'm not sure of is what other colors exist, is there a green? If there is does that mean that all of the TSA employee's that I see body searching suspicious looking 90 year old ladies to see if they have any C4 strapped to their body will go away? And what changes are made when the threat level is reduced (I think there is a yellow - does that mean we can carry our .80 cent bottle of water through security instead of having to pay $3.50 in the gate area).

Probably not.

I know there is Red level (they always use red to scare the shit out of us). I take it that means you can't take anything on the plane with you and cavity searches begin.

At least all of my travels have been domestic, hate to think what it would be like if I was leaving the country or worse yet, trying to get back. I'm really surprised that with all of our arrogance we rely on the security of foreigners.

At least they gave me something to think about after the safety nazi's got done with their spiel. I'm trying to think of a way that I can go down the emergency slide with my feet behind me. The only options I can see are to dislocate my legs at the hip and turn them around or go down head first.

A Christmas Letter - Day 4

Nick

Enough with the birds already, please. Fed Ex brought your package today and the driver thought it quite romantic that you shipped four calling birds but I'm afraid it has become abit overwhelming what with the partridge, doves and the chickens. You will clean up after them when you come won't you?

With Affection

Holly

A Christmas Letter - Day 3 (from the land of Kaos West)

Dear Nick:

What a dear you are and so extravagant, but I really must protest now. Three French Hens, at least I assume they are French based on the soin et instructions de alimentation that came with them. Its just a little over the top for me. Are you coming soon?

Love,

Holly

A Christmas Letter, Day 2

My Darling Nicholas,

Another package from you, how thoughtful. And the Turtle Doves, well both of them are delightful. When will you arrive?

All my Love,

Holly

A Kaotic Mystery

It all began about 2 weeks ago. You see, there was a true to life mystery in the house of Kaos, east.

Something was missing, something important.

There was a search, the whole house (well almost).

NK had misplaced her debit card and she did not know where.

She could not backtrack.

She knew she had it when she bought some stuff, even had the receipt. But no card.

Being the good hubby I did not mention how upset I was that she could be so careless with something that important. I helped her look, no luck. So my husbandly advice was…..call the bank, cancel the card.

Of course about an hour later guess what she found? What, you don’t know, well of course having canceled the card and with a new one coming, there was the card, underneath some paper on the kitchen counter.

But that’s not what I came to talk about. The true mystery, well that happened yesterday since you see NK has still not received her new card and we are headed for the land of Kaos west on Sunday.

So as the kindly hubby I made another suggestion. Maybe she should call the bank to ask if they had been so kind as to post her new card yet.

Being the good wife she went downstairs to get her phone (you see we do not have a land line anymore, only cell phones) and place the call since neither of us had our phone upstairs.

While it becomes moot at this point I will let you know that the bank had not yet mailed the new card and now we will get to the point of all of this dribble, her cell phone went walk-a- bout, disappeared, left the farm.

As in nowhere to be found.

Looked everywhere but where it is. It became unsettling.

Tried the old dial the phone, it will ring and we will find it. Nope, straight to voicemail (this was a clue that led me to believe that the phone, even if found would not be working anymore).

Where the hell is it? NK is somewhat angry, she knows it is in the house. I’m wondering if, after the call there was a failure to disconnect, still eating up the minutes.

We know it is not in the washer (a load of clothes was started shortly after THE CALL) because it was stopped and a strip search performed. Also not it the dryer, freezer, refrigerator or dishwasher.

I call the provider and no, the line is not active so at least it is not gobbling up all of our minutes like the pig it can be. NK is still trying to remember, hoping it’s not old-timers that is preventing her from remembering what she did, where she put it.

Once again the house falls victim to the search. Drawers are rifled, some more than once. Chairs are turned over, furniture moved but nothing but a single solitary dime turns up.

I give up and then look again. Frustration, anger, where the hell is it?

Then it comes.

The toilet epiphany.

Seems that the toilet is clogged. I hear a single muffled Oh Shit, then silence, then Ohhhhhh.
Where the hell is the plunger, NK asks with a knowing look.

Could it be, might it have taken the dirty dive. Unless we find it somewhere before we leave, we can only assume that the phone took the plunge from her sweatshirt pocket and clogged the loo. We will not know for sure until our return from Kaos west when the extraction surgery is performed. You see, yon twa-let will not unclog with said plunger.

So, if you know someone that works in Customer Service at Sprint and they tell you about the woman that called and said her phone was lost to the sewer gods, that was NK. They may have stopped laughing by now.

And if there is any moral to this story, it is that I should just keep my mouth shut and not make any kindly suggestions since you see my friends, this is all my fault. At least I know what to get her for Christmas…..a 1980 ‘s style "brick" phone that won’t fit in her pocket or go down the drain.

FI

I guess I should have reminded you all.

It's Friday.

Time for the FI Award.

No one voted.

So I get to pick.

And

Even though no one nominated them

I choose

The suspense must be killing you!

Major League Baseball.

Runner up.....the jackass that abused and set fire to his girlfriend.

And because she has either the biggest set of brass balls or the tiniest brain (I'm not sure which) here's to the city councilwoman in Colorado. Remember her, she is the apparent Giuliani supporter (or maybe Mitt or the Huckster) that said that being a Democrat is worse than "being a black disabled one-armed drug-addicted Jewish queer" who has a "Mexican boyfriend."

A Christmas Letter

My Dearest Nicholas:

I received your package today, how wonderful and thoughtful. Where on earth did you find a partridge in a pear tree? I have just the spot for it and I think you will agree. Looking forward to seeing you.

With Love,

Holly

Thought for a Thursday

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:



On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.



When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.



Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

Small Town Snooze

On Monday, the person that delivers the local fish wrapper left us a little note telling us that we should be reading the thing and for the next few weeks we would have our opportunity free of charge. How kind. Since we subscribed to the rag shortly after moving here just to see what it was like and cancelled it after around a month I will tell them thanks but no thanks.

But just for kicks, I have looked through it each day and have thought of Lettermen's small town news segment a couple of times. Here is what I have learned or been reminded of since Monday:

1. Hooters is coming to town and evidently this is a big deal. It reminded me of the time when one of my work partners told me how excited his daughter was that their little burg was going to finally get a Taco Bell. Here though one prominent member of the community thinks "that to bring in a famous chain like Hooters would attract other national businesses to the area". Sure it will just as soon as I get the 3rd ball in my sac.

2. That snow is someones pet peeve.

3. From Friday at 11:49 PM through Sunday, 4:00PM 7 people were arrested for public intoxication.

4. Tomorrow they will serve hamburgers and fries at the American Legion (yesterday it was a Philly cheese steak sandwich and fries).

5. There are 34 route openings to help circulate this nonsense (someone could make up to $113.00 per month on the highest volume route).

6. By inserting two leaves, you can change a round table to an oval.

7. The Avenue G viaduct is 1,290 feet long.

8. The city processes about 7 million gallons of shit every day (that is just at the sewage treatment plant). The sludge byproduct is recycled to be used as fertilizer to help food grow. End result, we eat our own shit.

On Dogs, Football and Guns

First, let me say that if anything I say offends any fan of the Atlanta Falcons, tough shit. After watching the game between the Saints and the Falcons last night I was quite appalled to see the signs of support for Michael Vick. They came from current Atlanta players and fans. One young lad held up a sign that told the idiot to keep his chin up. Screw that, the bastard deserved exactly what he got and more. If anyone thinks he was a victim they are quite wrong and an adult lacking in morals and judgement must have encouraged the young one that held up the sign.

So if anyone feels that Vick got screwed, just look at what he has done to his team this year. With him they would probably have a winning season. Without him, just a bunch of losers.

Next, I have to wonder, why on earth does a church think that it has to have an armed security guard? Isn’t it bad enough that this is the case but even worse is that the guard had so SHOOT AND KILL someone. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good that she was there or more people would have died, its just that we live in such fear that someone thought it necessary to have gun toting security there.

Scotland Lets Me Down

According to a recent survey, the average Santa weighs around 226 lbs. with some breaking the 300-lb. mark. OK and the point is what? Why was there a survey on how much the jolly fat man weighs? Who will they go after next, the Jolly Green Giant, after all, he says "ho-ho-ho". Maybe Peter Griffin from the Family Guy.

How about Frosty, maybe take a hair dryer to him since he looks like he is carrying a little extra (since he smokes a pipe I’m sure he will be a target sooner or later).

The thing is, Santa is viewed as a role model and in this bulimic crazed society he has been declared to be an overweight slob that must slim down. The Surgeon General who believes the man in the red suit is a bad role model acknowledged the survey, done in Scotland. I guess he believes all of the little kiddies want to be fat just like Santa. Give me a fuckin break! So SG whatever your name is, take a hike. You have been nominated for an FI Award by going just a little to far with this fat thing.

So, only skim milk and no cookies for the fat guy this year. But if you must, make them sugar free and no trans fats. We can only hope he is not allergic to the artificial sweetener. Oh and Santa, if you read this, maybe you better think about Weight Watchers before they ban you altogether.

Sports
Another nominee, NFL Officials for their penchant to call unsportsman like conduct penalties after a young man celebrates a touchdown. Let them have a little fun OK, you don’t need to flag every kid that shows a little emotion.

One more nod today for Tiger Woods. Why did you miss your daughter’s baptism in favor of a fundraising event for one of your charities. Did you even consider rescheduling one or the other? Shame on you.

Sunday Snapshots

Tropical Ice Chest

View from the fence

Snowy Oak Leaf

Tagged

I got tagged again only someone has called it a Meme. I don’t know what the hell that is but it sounds like the noise someone that had just regained their sense of smell after being subjected to mustard gas would make the first time they walked by a bakery……memememem. Well what ever it is it means I got tagged which used to be a game we played in school when the teacher did not want us around anymore. Now I think it is something that some cyber thief invented to distract us while they attack our computers.

In any event, here we go:

8 Things I Am Passionate About

My wife
My family
Guess what comes next, it starts with a G.
Peace
Cooking (don’t much care for cleaning up after though)
Reading
Gun Control
Did I mention Golf?

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

Hold my great-grandchild
Go back to Vietnam
Go to Scotland (and play golf)
Play golf with my Uncle one more time
Spend more time at the Smithsonian
Take a few more scenic routes (I’m famous for those)
Snowboard at least once
Go to the Masters

8 Things I Say Often

I Love You
Good Shot
What Do You Want for Dinner
No, Don’t Go There
You Dumb Shit (in reference to moi)
Later
I’m Sorry (I forget to do things quite often)
Thanks

8 Books I Have Read Recently

I really haven’t kept track so I’ll list a few I can remember and a few on my list

Read
Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq's Green Zone - Rajiv Chandrasekaran
The Arrogance of Power – J. William Fulbright (re-read)
Resurrection Men – Ian Rankin
The Colonel and The Pacifist – Klancy Clark de Nevers

On the list
Ghost Soldiers – Hampton Sides
No Excuses – Robert Schrum
Clapton – Eric Clapton
Plato And A Platypus Walk Into A Bar – Thomas Cathcart

8 Songs I Could Listen To Over And Over

There are so many more than 8 but these come to mind

War – Edwin Starr (or the Boss)
Alice’s Restaurant – Arlo Guthrie
Anything Eagles – Get Over It/Hotel California
In the Mood – Glenn Miller
Artist’s Life – Strauss
Another Brick in the Wall – PF
Faded Love – Ray Price
Gloria – Them (Moondance –Van Morrison)

Bonus Tracks
Little Red Rooster – Howlin Wolf
You Don’t Bring Me Flowers – Diamond/Streisand
Unforgettable – Nat King Cole


8 Things That Attract Me To My Best Friends

Honesty
Sense of Humor
Appreciates A Variety of Music
Sincerity
Good Balance (a must at Kaos Events)
Trusting
Opinionated
Venturous

8 People Who Should Totally Do This Meme.

I only know 8 people and they have already been tagged but if anyone gets the urge, have at it, just let me know.

Tis the Season

Does the sound of Christmas music on the radio make you quickly reach to change the station? Or does the sound of a bell make you want to run and hide or worse grab the bell and put it....well you know. If that is the case, you my friend suffer from what David Feherty,golf analyst and columnist and self proclaimed season hater, calls SAHD or Seasonal Asshole Disorder.

If you suffer from SAHD there are limited options for a cure this late in the year. Your best bet is to pour yourself a liberal amount of your favorite beverage (obviously something stronger than lemonade), sit back and listen to this. Go on, I'll wait.



How was that, feeling better? If not I suggest you self medicate (but don't drive and don't over do it) and go surfing. Find something you enjoy and don't worry about the season, just enjoy life.

Fickle Finger

It looks like nominations for next weeks FI award are not going to be scarce. Nominations will be accepted until Wednesday 12/12.


The first contestant falls into the criminal category is from the Detroit, Michigan area.

A Warren man faces felony charges of torture, unlawful imprisonment and assault with intent to commit murder after police said he abused his girlfriend. Marco Grant is accused of torturing his girlfriend for more than eight hours and nearly setting her on fire. Police said the woman was beaten, cut with a knife, hit with glass bottles and doused in rum and hydrogen peroxide.

The next entrant has applied as a candidate in the political category although she thought it would be taken lightly.

A Dacono, Colo. councilwoman resigned this week over what some branded a racist e-mail, but Sandra Tucker said she won't apologize for posting it. In the e-mail, Tucker, said that being a Democrat is worse than "being a black disabled one-armed drug-addicted Jewish queer" who has a "Mexican boyfriend." She posted the e-mail on a local Web site and said she thought it was funny.

Now for the winners this week. I have decided to rename the award to the FI Fickle Finger as an homage to Laugh-in.


The winner in the open category is the Saudi Judicial System for their treatment of women after sentencing a rape victim to 200 lashes for consorting with non related men. In the sports category, the prize goes to Ravens linebacker Bart Scott was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct after he flung an official's yellow flag into the stands.

Here's to you:

Balance This

After witnessing the amazing CK and her Pabst balance, I felt that I had to know if she had finally paternalized her talents. As witnessed below, it appears that now I know what I have contributed to her life (poor thing doesn't have a chance).



















Bottle Full
















I don't drink this stuff, it's bad for you


















I will eat this if I am desperate
















Bottle empty, still have balance

FI Awards

Today I will recap those wonderful folks nominated for an FI Award. Anyone wishing to vote for their favorite idiot can do so by placing a comment on this or any other days post. I will announce the winners in the various categories on Friday. You can vote anytime before Fridays and can change your vote anytime you wish.

Today's nominee is Leeland Eisenberg, the man accused of taking hostages at a Hillary Clinton campaign office in New Hampshire. He said in an interview he had hoped the standoff would end in his death, a newspaper reported Wednesday.

"My intent was never to hurt anyone," Leeland Eisenberg told the Daily News in a jailhouse interview. "My intent was actually almost like a suicide by cop."

Others throughout the week were:

Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee for his part in the release of a rapist.

The christmas display thieves.

The Army reservist/police officer that hung the noose.

The Saudi judicial system for the 200 lash sentence to a gang rape victim.

On the Sports side:

T. J. Houshmandzadeh for antagonizing the Pittsburgh Steelers during pregame warmups.

The Baltimore Ravens "Timeout Coach".

The Ravens player that threw the yellow penalty flag into the stands.

Post Script - President Who?

In light of the happenings today in the land of oz, I would be remiss if I did not add to the things I demand in a candidate for President. While realistically I understand that we can and should not remove all firearms from the possession of individuals in this country, there is no reason for ANYONE AT ALL TO HAVE AN ASSAULT RIFLE OR ANY TYPE OF AUTOMATIC WEAPON.

They are not hunting rifles nor are they required for home protection. Pardon the pun but ownership of this type of weapon is overkill and each and every individual that has possession of this type of weapon should turn them over to local authorities NOW before someone else takes it from them and kills with it!

Any candidate for any public office should include this in their platform and Congress and all elected officials from each State should not recess for the holidays until a law making it illegal to own an automatic weapon of any type illegal with any violation a $50K fine and 5 years community service (after all our jails are already overcrowded and the $$ should be donated to local food banks).

Why I shop online

I won't use words to tell you why, just that Omaha is no longer a virgin when in comes to mass murder postal style.

It appears that the gunman shot himself.

President Who?

OK candidates I have made up my mind. I now know which of you I will support so I won’t keep you waiting any longer. My candidate will be:

Someone that will commit to the withdrawal of all of our troops from Iraq and Afghanistan by the end of June 2009. We have fucked around long enough over there, let them get their own shit together now. That gives you around six months to get it done.

It will be someone that will take if Congress does not give. First and foremost my candidate will take away the health care afforded to the House and Senate if Congress does not act to provide affordable health care to every citizen of this country. If they cannot or will not do this, they can pay for their own care or go without.

My candidate is the individual that will tell the religious right and evangelicals that their religious beliefs will not influence their campaign. My candidate will not play any religious card and will not discuss religion in any manner, positive or negative. Separation of Church and State is sacred and someone’s belief has no place in the political arena.

My candidate will not consort with the leaders of any country that do not support the right of all individuals to chose their form of government. No lip service, no support of any kind will be given to countries that do not allow for a free and open election. This includes Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. Both continue to ignore human rights issues yet we consider them to be valuable allies. That is just pure bullshit. No more jets, no more money, nothing until they recognize the rights of the individual (men, women, gay, straight) and hold open and free elections.

Finally, my candidate is a pro-choice individual and one that will implement a flat income tax.

My candidate’s name is ……………



Shit, that person is not running so I’ll go with my gut and support William John Richardson Edwards Obama. If you see him let me know, I have a few questions.

FI Nominee

Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee

Then Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee interceded on behalf of convicted rapist Wayne Dumond in 1997, which resulted in Dumonds release from prison. Within six months of his release, Dumond raped and murdered a Missouri woman. Huckabee blames Bill Clinton and his predecessor even though he influenced the parole board and stated publicly that he questioned the guilt of Dumond.

FI Sports Category

In a single stupid moment, a Baltimore Raven coach calls a last minute timeout on a 4th down play. As it turned out, the Ravens defense stopped the Patriot run and would have gone on offense with a 4 point lead and less than 2 minutes to go in the game. The result, New England gets another chance, and after a 5 yard false start penalty wind up with a first down and eventually score the winning touchdown.

How do you feel coach?

Lost and Found

Lost: One Football Team.

The city of Denver, Colorado is looking for its football team. They were last seen leaving Denver for Chicago 2 weeks ago. Someone disguised as Bronco’s players appeared at Soldier Field but it has since been determined that it could not possible have been a real football team.

Apparently, the same impostors showed up in Oakland yesterday. Someone wearing a Mike Shanahan mask was on the sidelines and the team tried to look like football players. After the loss to the Raiders, the city issued an APB and they now believe that someone has kidnapped the team and that the kidnapping may have taken place sometime last year.

No reward has been announced but Pat Bowlen will schedule a press conference after the season ends.

On a similar note, the city of Miami is trying to determine if they can sue the Dolphins to have the name of the team changed. They don't care if the team keeps the Dolphins name, they just don't want the cities name associated with the team.

FI Award Nominations

Here’s to the two morons that caused a homeowner to take down the Christmas display he had set up in his yard. The idiots got caught on video removing lights from the homeowner’s yard. After this happened all of the decorations were taken down and placed in storage. This is the 2nd year in a row that vandals attacked the property and he did want to give them another chance.

No arrests have been made but the police are treating it as a burglary.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
FI - Sports Category

T. J. Houshmandzadeh becomes a nominee by antagonizing the Pittsburgh Steelers.

During pre-game warm-ups he apparently defaced a "terrible towel" effectively "mooning" the city of Pittsburgh which of course pissed off Steeler players and fans. During the game, the Steelers players were all over him and he was crying to the officials throughout the game. Hey there TJ if you don't want the attention, don’t ask for it.

Satisfaction - No not the song

I had a pleasant suprise this morning. When I opened up CK's post this morning I found that she actually remembered something that we attempted to instill in her.

Actually I knew she had because even though she had to learn quite a few things the hard way she made the right life choices after some pretty tough times.

But she comes by her reticence to accept compliments naturally, both her mother and I are usually left close to speechless when someone throws one our way, maybe we just don't expect them.

So, I say thanks to CK!

Nominations

This morning I have a couple of nominations for the FI award.

The first is a police officer and also a lieutenant in the Army Reserve. He is attempting to prove that you can be all you can be and be just as big an idiot as as the people he arrests.

It seems that the dummy may have hung a noose near a black female Sergeants work area at the Army Reserve Center here in CB. I say may have because he has not been convicted yet. But if he did it, he could truly be an award winner as well.

The second nomination goes to Saudi Jurists and the Saudi Government for crimes against women.

A Saudi judge system sentenced a gang rape victim to 90 lashes and then more than doubled the sentence to 200 lashes after she appealed the conviction. Her original crime, being in the car of a man that was not a relative.

Now for the rest of the story.

The woman was kidnapped and gang raped by seven men.. "The woman initially had been sentenced to 90 lashes after she was convicted of violating rigid laws on the segregation of the sexes. The Saudi court said the woman's punishment was increased because of what the court said was her attempt to aggravate and influence the judiciary through the media."

One judge stated that if it was up to him he would have her executed. The seven men were convicted of the rape and sentenced to a term of 2 to 9 years

What We Should Have Done